


What Ifs

by c_curculio



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Crushes, Dreams, Ficlet, Gay Character, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Pre-Canon, Selectively Mute Gordon Freeman, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24725755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c_curculio/pseuds/c_curculio
Summary: Barney Calhoun can't sleep. He's too busy thinking about his crush.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 14
Kudos: 177





	What Ifs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Peachrot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peachrot/gifts).



> I originally wrote this as a surprise for my friend Peachrot's birthday... then I got too excited and showed it to them early, and then proceeded to completely forget I had written it. It's important to know that the WIP is titled "Barney Calhoun gay moments" also i wrote it at 3 am and forgot about Lauren's existence but shhh i don't feel like re-writing this

Barney stared with bleary eyes at his digital alarm clock, which announced in glowing green numbers that it was 3:12am. With a sigh, he rolled onto his back. He was doing this to himself, really, but a large part of him didn’t care that he was ruining his sleep schedule, and an even larger part of him would rather spend his time thinking about someone who barely knew he existed. 

Who wouldn’t fall in love with him, though? The man was brilliant. He could solve most math problems in his head faster than Barney could read them, and he’d earned his doctorate before he’d turned twenty-five. He’d never bragged about it, though, and seemed to treat everyone with the same respect in his own shy way. 

It didn’t help that he was the most beautiful person Barney had ever seen. His dark red hair, when not pulled back into the standard low ponytail, curled slightly at the tips. It had begun to grey prematurely at his temples, and if he was being honest with himself, it was hot. He had a case of resting bitch face- and that was kind of hot, too, but his smile! When he smiled, it was the only thing that mattered. His whole face would light up, his bright green eyes full of glee. 

He was in pretty good shape for a man of science, too. The standard-issue lab coat he’d initially been given, designed for skinny old men, barely fit over his broad shoulders; it looked as if it would tear at the seams if he flexed. He had large, soft-looking hands, too, and Barney would be lying if he said he hadn’t spent many a night trying to imagine just how soft they were. 

Barney sat up in bed, burying his face in his own rough hands; his cheeks were warm to the touch, and he silently scolded himself. Gordon Freeman only knew him as Mr. Calhoun, the security guard who made sure he would always have a nice cold Dr. Pepper waiting for him when he arrived at work because he was just a friendly guy and nothing more than that, never anything more than just that.

He could try and make a move, sure, but what would it cost him? The fact of the matter was that they both happened to be men. He didn’t even know if Gordon was into men the same way he was- he didn’t want to risk his attraction to men becoming common knowledge, either; it could make him very unpopular with his coworkers, who already spent a good amount of time teasing him- not that he really minded that much, but what would happen if the playfulness turned aggressive? 

With a sigh, he laid back down, kicking the blankets off of himself. It wasn’t until he felt wetness on his pillow that he realized he had been crying. Closing his eyes, his thoughts immediately returned to Freeman. 

What if he didn't have to worry or ache for him? What if lived together? What if their respective positions and the real world weren’t a factor? Barney could visualize it easily, could almost imagine that Gordon was really in bed with him, his bare chest- rising and falling slowly in time with his breathing- pressed to Barney’s back and a strong arm draped over his waist protectively. 

Stirring slightly, Gordon would wake, subconsciously hugging the shorter man closer. Barney would wake, too, turning his head back to face his- his boyfriend? His husband? His partner? Gordon let out a small laugh- silent, but Barney could feel the rumbling in his chest. Forming his right hand into a fist, he moved it in a clockwise circle over Barney’s chest a few times. [Sorry.] 

“ ‘S okay, hon.” Taking Gordon’s hand, he kissed his knuckles. “Did I wake you up?” Letting go of his hand, Barney shifted, turning and burying his face into the crook of the other man’s neck with a happy sigh. He smelled clean, almost like fresh sheets, and a warmth filled Barney's chest. He felt the sensation of soft lips pressing against the top of his head, then felt fingertips carding through his short hair.

Laying there, Barney had never felt so happy in his whole life. He’d come from a broken home, dropped out of high school in his junior year oh high school to work, to save up, and moved out of his shitty Alabama town and to New Mexico to find a new life. He'd barely managed to get a job at Black Mesa, and he had almost thought better of it, but the pay was good and he had free housing, even if it was just the standard bunks provided to level 1 security clearance guards- and it had all paid off, and he was here

He opened his mouth. “I love you,” he wanted to say, but what came out was a high-pitched beeping. Barney jumped in surprise, eyes shooting open, and he realized he was alone in his tiny bed. Sunlight streamed in through the gaps in the cheap curtains; around him, other low-level security members were stirring awake at the insistence of the morning alarm. His pillow was clutched tightly against his chest; he released it with a sigh. “Shit,” he mumbled to himself, rolling over to stare at the underside of the bunk above him. 

He was so, so hopelessly in love with Gordon, and there wasn’t a damned thing he could do to deny that. Barney rubbed his eyes with a sigh; he didn’t want to do this- he didn’t want to force himself to go to work and spend the whole day fighting the urge to stare at Gordon from afar while the guilt ate him away from the inside out. With a tired groan, he forced himself to sit up. He was getting nowhere fast with this mindset.

**Author's Note:**

> peachrot makes me write freehoun then laughs and says "go gay boy go" 😔


End file.
